sigh......

emotionally wrecked right now...

ive been a fucking basket case lately... and for no reason.

i had a drink tonight. first drink in years... and the sad thing is that i wanted another one. its 215 in the morning and im really mad at myself... i wanted it so bad and i just gave in like a pussy... ive been sober for so long and said no so many times...

why was tonight different? what was it about tonight that just made me not give a shit? i dont get it. being sober is important to me... Jen didnt think it was a big deal that i had a drink... she wouldnt ever let me get to that point again... but ive hidden things in the past... hell i was in college and hiding it from the people i was closest to. She didnt know me when i was the fall down drunk who had the breakdown ...

i will never and can never let myself get that way again. if i find myself drinking alone or wanting it and hiding it like i used to, then im fucked... i cant do it. just cant.