being too guarded

I havent really been myself lately. Ive been extroverted, which isnt like me at all...

When my boss took us all to the Pink concert, i think something in me snapped. Everyone was hammered and it took me back to a place that i was in a long time ago. When my ex and I were together i was always cleaning up her mess... She was always the one getting drunk or taking some concoction of pills and I was the one she always came to. She never wanted to do anything in front of me because she knew I would get mad, but when it came to 3am and she was high as a kite and not being able to sleep, she would find a way to get into my dorm and find me. I didnt mind that she came to me... that was fine. I didnt want to be around her when she was wasted because she was a different person. She always had this face that she put on when she was high and I hated that face. That face was the one that hated me for grabbing bottles out of her hands. That was the face that used to belittle me in front of all of her friends. That was the face that cheated on me with a man. That was the face that left me for some young naive chick. That was the face that told me she loved me over and over and over again even though she had left me. That was the face that hit me. . . . its weird though.

Before being with her I was a different person. I was this shy yet carefree girl who was always too timid to go after girls and was fun to be around.

When I was with her, she didnt want me to drink, so i didnt. If she would catch me drinking she would take it out of my hand. She always wanted me to be sober enough to take care of her. It was my job she said. I always had to take care of her and her sidekick Jerry. She actually cheated on me with Jerry, but thats a whole other story...

So after we broke up, we still talked. She had manipulated me so badly into thinking that she loved me and made me think that i needed her in my life. Well the one fucking time I needed her, she wasnt there. After we broke up i started drinking a lot. It got bad. I knew i was becoming a drunk, but i didnt care. One night I was really upset. I called her because she was the only person that I thought would understand me. She told me she was busy and didnt have time to deal with me. I told her it was important and she said "too bad" ... and hung up. I freaked out. I got hammered and trashed my dorm room... Had a nervous breakdown... it was great.

The next day I was greeted by campus security and a whole shitload of people that basically told me that I needed to get out and get help. I was pissed, but i understand now. No one knew what was really going on with me. My whole world revolved around this one stupid girl and when she wasnt there for my i freaked out. dumb, i know.

So I had to go to AA and they wanted me to go to NA too but i told them that i didnt have a drug problem and they could all fuck off. I was drunk when they came to tell me that i was booted so i said a lot of things that i shouldnt have.

I dont know where im going with this, but basically i blame her for a lot of my issues.

So i havent really drank since then. AA meetings arent how i want to spend the rest of my life. I still get really bad cravings. And two weeks ago i had a swig of beer... but i have a handle on it now.

But it was one moment at the concert that made me question myself. My boss who was hammered at the time said to me "You are so tight. You have to loosen up".

I didnt realize what walls i had put up until just then. Over the past years I have turned into this overguarded mess. I hardly let anyone see the real me... Even Jen doesnt know half the shit i think about. I think thats why i like twitter. Its like therapy for me. I dont have to put walls up because I dont give a shit what anyone on there thinks. If they dont like it, they can unfollow me right? There are only a few people on there that im completely real with anyways...

So lately ive been more extroverted and that concerns me. I have not been giving a shit what anyone says or what anyone thinks .... and ive been very manic. I dont want to be a crazy person again but I dont want to be this extroverted tight ass. I want people to know that Im fun and capable of having fun and shit. Why cant i just be myself with everyone?

I dont want my boss to think im a tightwad, and i certainly hope she doesnt. Part of me thinks that the only way i can loosen up is if im under some sort of influence, and thats not good. ..

i dont know where im going with this. I think i just needed to be mad at someone and i chose my ex... and im bothered by what my boss said. I promise. i am fun.