tired of being sick....

Warning: im going to spend this entire session bitching... feel free to leave at any time... but if you think you can help me, then read away...

I am so fucking sick of being sick. Honestly, its getting to the unbearable point. There has to be something wrong with me that they are missing. Ive had blood drawn, an endoscopy, a ct scan, a recent ultrasound, and a few biopsies of my intestines and stomach.... and no one knows what the fuck is wrong with me.

I think its something that i already have thats just getting worse. If you know me personally, then you know about all of my other symptoms other than just the diarrhea and constipation and the nausea and dizziness and the incessant pain and the bruising and the irregularity of everything in my goddamn body ... But if you dont know me that well, then im not going to tell you the other shit... unless you ask of course...

My friend Carrie thinks it has to do with my vagal nerve or something.... My primary care says that im going to help her write her next book. I dont think thats really all that funny.

Whatever the fuck is going on with me is virtually destroying my relationship with Jen. I never know when im going to be sick and I never want to leave the house in fear that im going to get sick. I get up the courage to leave the house and go out and then something bad happens. I know whatever i have is just feeding off of my anxiety, but enough is enough. Last weekend I went to the hardware store with my dad... literally a two minute ride... and i was in the store and i thought i was going to die. I had to make him leave and take me home so i could go get sick in my own bathroom... Nice huh? Its so fucking embarrassing. And every time that happens its just another setback... Jen is getting frustrated with me, but i dont blame her. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who never wanted to leave the house? I wouldnt.

Its not fair to me and its not fair to her. I hate this shit. I want it all to go away and be the way it was before. Before the anxiety, before the pain, before when i didnt have to be on meds. Jen says that maybe all the shit I put my body through in college has something to do with it, but the doctor says my liver is fine... I can thank AA for that or else I would have yet another ailment to deal with.

Coupled with all of this badness comes guilt. Guilt for being sick. Guilt for feeling sorry for myself. Guilt for holding Jen back. Guilt for not being nice to my body. Guilt for having the anxiety. . . guilt guilt guilt . . .

I try to talk myself down.. like... its no big deal. You are just going to be in the car for a little while. There are bathrooms everywhere in case you get sick... But it doesnt always work. Jen and I have next week off and im already getting nervous for the car trips that we are going to have to take... I just want it all to go away... I want to be the carefree person that i used to be that used to be able to just drop everything and hop in the car and drive anywhere... of course a lot of those times i was either drunk or stoned so i guess that had something to do with it...

Im just so tired of it. Fucking tired. I broke down the other night on jens shoulder for a good hour... then of course i felt guilty about that... Anyone who knows me knows that it takes a shitload of badness or sadness for me to cry...

Sorry... just needed to get it out... Maybe anyone who reads this... if anyone reads this will have some ideas on how i can get rid of my anxiety or my stomach pain... any ideas would help...

jessiekelleher@hotmail.com if you have any good ones