pull away......

So my parents just left. They came up to take me out to lunch and celebrate my birthday.

And the anxiety started right when i woke up. I woke up with a knot in my stomach and i knew it was going to be bad. I started to talk myself down and ignore it and it went away for a little while. I kinda forgot about it because i was too busy finishing up the cleaning and vacuuming.

So when Jen left to go to CVS, i decided i needed to eat. I made myself two pieces of toast and after the first one, i felt like i had been stabbed in my stomach. I continued to eat because i figured i should just ignore it.

Five minutes later I ran to the bathroom. . . awesome. I decided that I was going to take some ativan because maybe that would help me. I was having all of the symptoms of a panic attack without the actual attack...

So i took a shower and after i was still shaky... just like yesterday in Barnes and Noble when my hands got uncontrollably shaky.

So Jen came home and noticed that my hands were shaky. She got mad and i started crying.. And then Mom and Dad showed up.

I played it cool for a while until I had to walk down the stairs and the ativan was kicking in a lot more. Jen asked what was wrong and i told her i took some and she was mad. She said it wasnt okay. I told her that she wasnt my fucking shrink...

So lunch was okay. I had a mini panic attack when we first got there, but eating was fine. When we came home i was good for about 45 mins... Then all of the sudden I had to run to the bathroom... I got a horrific pain in my stomach and knew it was coming... Jen knocked on the door after about ten minutes and told me my parents were leaving and i had to get up and say goodbye.

So I said goodbye and then like 15 minutes later I had to run to the bathroom again. I am having an awful pain in my stomach right now and i dont know what to do. It hurts so bad that I just want to cry... Not to mention my ass is on fire from the stomach acid being passed through it...

Jen wants to go to a movie but honestly all i wanna do is sit here and cry. I just walked over to her to give her a kiss and she gave me a 1/2 kiss and turned away. I sighed and walked away. She asked me why i sighed and i told her that she didnt fucking kiss me... She said she didnt want to kiss me if i was sick... WTF? Then she gave me a lecture about how its all in my head. Well no shit its in my head. If it wasnt in my head and i had an easy fix, dont you think i would have done it by now. Theres no reason i should be sick after the fact. And im really really sick... Not just like one bout of diarrhea and im done... no im really sick. Like shivering, dizzy, bad nausea, just want to die sick. I just want to cry, but i feel like i cant let her see me upset because she will just get more mad at me. Im just so tired. And im so stressed out.

Some times she is so supportive and sometimes she makes it worse. I know its gotta be hard living with me... If I was her, I would leave me. I dont know why she stays. I know she loves me but sometimes love isnt enough right... I dont want to make her miserable anymore. I want to make her happy and being the way that I am, I cant do that. She deserves better.

"The worst of all fears is the fear of living" - Theodore Roosevelt

That is her facebook status. Thats not nice. If I could fucking control this shit, I would. But I cant. Its just not fair.