nada...

had my colonoscopy today... and they found nothing... fucking nothing... well not nothing, but what they found i already knew about, so it meant nothing...

have i mentioned they found nothing? so now ive had bloodwork, a ct scan, an endoscopy and a fucking colonoscopy and they have only realized that im severely anemic and my stomach likes to retain food...

right.

so where the fuck do i go from here?

so i know i havent always been go to my body. i know that i drank too much for a while and i did some drugs and i went through bouts of eating disorders, but now im finally on track and it fucking quits on me. what the fuck?

ive been good. i havent drank in years, i fucking quit smoking, i dont do drugs anymore except for the occasional hit of weed, and i lost 40 pounds by eating right and now my body decides to pull a 180 and fuck with me. im so frustrated. I just dont know what to do anymore.

and since my body has given up and decides its not going to behave, my anxiety is higher than its ever been... now its to the point where thinking about going somewhere freaks me out... i just cant do this... i CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this...

and my fucking shrink is on vacation until the 9th... awesome. When he left, i was doing well... and then something happened... and i dont know what it is...

i was hoping that it was them switching me to generic drugs that made my anxiety worse, but im not so sure now.

and i know that people are sick of hearing about it. im fucking sick of talking about it and dealing with it. its not the end of the fucking world, but its my world and currently my fucking world is in shambles. I know im not dying, but im dying on the inside and that should count for something.

my boss said i should go on a macrobiotic diet and see what that does for me. her sister went on it and it changed her life. thats all well and good, but i cant afford a macrobiotic diet. I can barely afford to buy fruits and vegetables. . . and i want to quit weight watchers because im tired of spending 40 bucks a month on something that i can do my fucking self... but jen doesnt want to so im not allowed.

how can i live my life if i dont feel like i can leave the house? and how can i stay in my house if i know that im making the person who lives with me miserable?

just suck it up and keep hiding it i guess... but what about when it gets to the point when i cant hide it anymore... its not as easy as it used to be...